human.

We try and make it simple. We think of possible outcomes, shortcomings, perceived realities. We do this because we are human. We do this because, in certain moments, we believe that it is our job to figure it out. We lie to others because we are attuned to make-believe, dressed in costume and painted in beauties of our own design.

We try and complicate things. We ask why and when and how without pressing pause. We laugh because we’re nervous. We laugh in times that, to others, may seem inappropriate. It’s not for lack of knowing. It’s because we know that a smile can change the meter of conversation. Make the rhythm of the moment more bearable. It’s because we know that everyone needs relief. It’s because we may not have an alternative for that particular breath. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Sometimes we forget where we are or what we are or if our intentions are to give or to get.

We are grand performers. We all have something we are afraid to share. We complicate things. We try to make it simple. We are not simple. We are human. At least for now <3

life as a kite.

I fly in my dreams. It’s not a bird-flight. It’s not graceful or pretty. I simply flap my arms as hard as I can until I lift off.

It depends on the situation, the color of the sky and the weight of the air, but I either drag slowly across the horizon, hitting my feet on every treetop along the way, or drift so far from my origin that I disappear from myself and my dream all together.

The latter are my most favorite dreams of all.

There are only two times when I have been consciously unconscious. When I have meditated without following a step-by-step.

The first was while floating naked a hot spring in the Rocky Mountains alone in the middle of the night. The mountains are the only place to see stars. They move and dance sweet for you. They shoot back and forth. They glimmer and fade and make you feel a part of them.

As I floated on my back; toes and breasts and face exposed to the night cold, I flew away while I thought of silence and while I stared at the most brilliant star my skies had ever seen. The sparkle was dreamlike. The scope of it’s shine—immense.

I laughed and cried for no reason because of this star and the sky that night and the warm water all around me. It was beautiful. And sometimes, when I’m sad, I go there in my head.

The other time was in India in a holy city beside the Ganges. I was traveling alone and then with a friend and the air was heavy there. Bodies were on fire in the river and spirits were floating to heaven all around me and I sat on the roof of a building watching the poof of pyre smoke fuming from the ghats in the east and feeling uncertain and questioning all I ever knew. A strange sadness was falling all around me until I turned my head to the other side and saw a hazy sky filled with kites.

Hundreds of homemade kites with beautiful children guiding the strings and I couldn’t imagine the beauty of this scene in a place that was such a celebration of death.

Life, in the form of paper vees and boxes shot around me like the mountain stars and I cried alone on the rooftop because I was happy and because life was beautiful.

one day it all just opened up.

the day was ordinary-seeming, but things were messed about. my lips turned up into a sort of smile while walking, which is out of the ordinary (i've been told i frown without intention, you see) and even otherwise grumpy individuals had little effect on my outlook, which was free-feeling. i would compare it to a floating sensation that i had previously only experienced while sleeping and hovering over the landscape.

my first reaction to this new found feeling was to wait for it to pass. i have dabbled in mind-altering and feeling-enhancing enjoyments from time to time--and with those indulgences have become used to the inevitable fall. but it had been several days and the pleasure of free remained without the aid of any magical device.

i enjoy humming a tune while doing anything mundane as a way to inject some sort of peace into rote tasks or responsibilities. this humming begins without force and only becomes noticeable to me when i realize that others are present. it is then that i cease to hum (or sing), change songs (to something socially acceptable) or sing with increased volume as to showcase my need for attention and ability to utilize my sound to evoke some semblance of confidence within myself.

at this very moment i am singing.

at this very moment i am free.

everyone should sing.

everyone should be free.